"Your willfullness will kill you."
Definitely took me over a week to publish this. I don't even know why, but you never know who will wander across it and I guess I'm still incredibly self-conscious even online and mostly anonymous.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Dismantle. Repair.
In the past few months I have made a discovery. My interest in Richard Armitage is always there but it spikes dramatically when I am severely depressed. It comes about in two different ways. I start to feel I have too much in my life to cope with and then proceed to shut down and shut out everything. Months afterwards I have catapulted myself to the other extreme and realize I have systematically deconstructed my whole life and am occupying an existence devoid of anything besides me and my bed. Both extremes prompt me to focus on something else, completely outside of my life, enter the Armitage. Every time I close myself off from my life, I reacquaint myself with all things Armitage. I'm a fan of him always but when I'm that far down it becomes a compulsion, its all I will focus on. I have yet to conclude whether its helping or hindering me in those times. The helpful side is that I focus on something that makes me happy, a exploding kind of happiness, sometimes when I watch him in a favorite role, or read a great fanfic, I feel like I've swallowed the sun and its beaming out of me. Fleeting, but it reassures me that I can feel happiness, I'm not beyond that entirely, even if what is making me happy is not tangible. But the negative side is that it really brings out some OCD thought processes. Jury's still out.
Definitely took me over a week to publish this. I don't even know why, but you never know who will wander across it and I guess I'm still incredibly self-conscious even online and mostly anonymous.
Definitely took me over a week to publish this. I don't even know why, but you never know who will wander across it and I guess I'm still incredibly self-conscious even online and mostly anonymous.
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Lots of us are reading this and nodding.
ReplyDeleteThere's no question that watching Armitage leads to a massive dopamine push for many fans. I have that reaction, too, and personally think there's nothing wrong with knowing that and using it to survive or to your advantage. There are people who would tell you that it's a problem -- but I only think it's a problem if *you* think it's a problem. We're all doing what we need to make it through the day, and if that's what you need Armitage for, there's no reason to feel ashamed of it. For myself, I've been able to use that euphoric feeling to confront things that make feel (cough) less than euphoric. It's like an energy that I can channel in order to deal with other problems. But it's taken me a couple of years to figure out that that's the case and how to do it.
Your post suggests that you are concerned about it as a red flag that pops up when other problems are acute, and if that's the case, I can only say, explore the feeling, seek support, seek help. Quite obviously, you're the only person who can know when the behavior moves into the zone of problematic. But even then, I would say, okay, good that you have this index that something else is wrong and so you know what you need to do. Maybe you can use the preoccupation to give yourself the strength to find that kind of help.
I'm rooting for you.
"I feel like I've swallowed the sun and its beaming out of me". That is one of the most beautiful statements I've ever read. I hope you keep blogging. Love your writing!
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