Dismantle. Repair.

In the past few months I have made a discovery.  My interest in Richard Armitage is always there but it spikes dramatically when I am severely depressed. It comes about in two different ways.  I start to feel I have too much in my life to cope with and then proceed to shut down and shut out everything. Months afterwards I have catapulted myself to the other extreme and realize I have systematically deconstructed my whole life and am occupying an existence devoid of anything besides me and my bed. Both extremes prompt me to focus on something else, completely outside of my life, enter the Armitage. Every time I close myself off from my life, I reacquaint myself with all things Armitage.  I'm a fan of him always but when I'm that far down it becomes a compulsion, its all I will focus on.  I have yet to conclude whether its helping or hindering me in those times. The helpful side is that I focus on something that makes me happy, a exploding kind of happiness, sometimes when I watch him in a favorite role, or read a great fanfic, I feel like I've swallowed the sun and its beaming out of me.  Fleeting, but it reassures me that I can feel happiness, I'm not beyond that entirely, even if what is making me happy is not tangible. But the negative side is that it really brings out some OCD thought processes.  Jury's still out.

"Your willfullness will kill you."

Definitely took me over a week to publish this. I don't even know why, but you never know who will wander across it and I guess I'm still incredibly self-conscious even online and mostly anonymous.